Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
