i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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