i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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