woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
