It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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