Your dad touched me again.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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