I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
