I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
