i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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