I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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