I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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