I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
