70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
