mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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