I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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