Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
