i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
