it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
