meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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