We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
