I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
