Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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