Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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