im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
