i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
