That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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