fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
