i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
