Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
