How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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