i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
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It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
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You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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