It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I supernannyed him into submission
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
