I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
