If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
