You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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