not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
