I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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