Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
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he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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