He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
this hospital has no fireball
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
