So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
