You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
