I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
