I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
