I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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