I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
