When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Randomize
