Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
