i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
