My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
