I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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