the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
