i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
