Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
