And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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