Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The struggles of a small town man whore
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
