i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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