So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
