Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
