I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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