just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
